Letters to Charles VI - Part I
Charles,
Your relationship with your folks are very, very important. After yourself, they are the next people you meet. More specifically, I am referring to your parents now. This is a relationship you cannot choose. You can however, choose how you handle it. Relationships, like most things in life require management.
I would like to share with you about my relationship with my parents and brother.
I am the older sibling, and if I could have had one wish in life, it would have been to have an older brother. Don’t get me wrong here – I love being the older sibling. It does my self esteem lots of good to remember how I spared my brother a couple of hidings, and taking some for things he did. OK, it was not funny at the time, but time changes all that.
I didn’t have the perfect relationship with my parents. I still don’t. I doubt if it is possible to have one – the perfect relationship with your parents, that is. I experienced a lot of pain in my relationship with my parents, and being the person I am, I also caused them a great deal of pain. There was a time that I experienced my relationship with my parents as mutually exhaustive. I wanted to be anywhere but at home.
Still, the lingering question is this: Why did I only leave home at the ripe age of 24? Well, there are many reasons, which I won’t get into now. Solomon wrote this: “Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other” (Proverbs 27:17). I guess that I, although I intensely disliked it, appreciated the sharpening because I realised how badly I needed it.
There was a time when my father was very absent – a time when I needed a father. In the modern Yankee perspective they talk about deadbeat dads. My father was never one of those, but he was rarely at home and when he was, in my 15 and 16 year-old perception, he was studying, sleeping or crapping on my head. We used to have nasty fights – nasty to the point of ugly. There was a time when I even accused my father of making me his emotional punching bag.
A major bombshell exploded when my dad was retrenched at the end of my grade 11 year. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was an extremely traumatic experience for me. It was also the start of the healing process – a lot of things happened in that time. We did, however, have our nastiest fights in the years thereafter. I finally left home at the age of 24 after a particularly ugly fight. That, really, was when the healing process truly started.
I am not telling you all this because I want your pity. Like I said in my first letter, I want you to know where I come from.
As for my brother… my brother was always a pillar of strength in my life. I will even venture as far as to say that he is a heroic figure to me. OK, we had our fights, kicked the crap out of each other several times and got the crap beaten out of us about that, but hey. That’s what brothers do. It amazes me, years later now, how we as brothers can know the worst about each other and still remain friends and hold each other in the high regard we do. If am to be speaking for myself, at least. That goes to show, blood is indeed thicker than water. I don’t know what my brother will think of this, but I am actually looking forward to one day, when we’ll both be old men and still be friends. And brothers.
It is often remarked how you can choose your friends but not your family. Family should also be friends, otherwise it is hardly worthwhile. All relationships are give and take. When a relationship comes down to all give and no receive, it is a dead stick. It is very difficult to resurrect a dead stick.
Until next time, remember that dead sticks are only good for making fire.
Mr. v.d. M
Your relationship with your folks are very, very important. After yourself, they are the next people you meet. More specifically, I am referring to your parents now. This is a relationship you cannot choose. You can however, choose how you handle it. Relationships, like most things in life require management.
I would like to share with you about my relationship with my parents and brother.
I am the older sibling, and if I could have had one wish in life, it would have been to have an older brother. Don’t get me wrong here – I love being the older sibling. It does my self esteem lots of good to remember how I spared my brother a couple of hidings, and taking some for things he did. OK, it was not funny at the time, but time changes all that.
I didn’t have the perfect relationship with my parents. I still don’t. I doubt if it is possible to have one – the perfect relationship with your parents, that is. I experienced a lot of pain in my relationship with my parents, and being the person I am, I also caused them a great deal of pain. There was a time that I experienced my relationship with my parents as mutually exhaustive. I wanted to be anywhere but at home.
Still, the lingering question is this: Why did I only leave home at the ripe age of 24? Well, there are many reasons, which I won’t get into now. Solomon wrote this: “Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other” (Proverbs 27:17). I guess that I, although I intensely disliked it, appreciated the sharpening because I realised how badly I needed it.
There was a time when my father was very absent – a time when I needed a father. In the modern Yankee perspective they talk about deadbeat dads. My father was never one of those, but he was rarely at home and when he was, in my 15 and 16 year-old perception, he was studying, sleeping or crapping on my head. We used to have nasty fights – nasty to the point of ugly. There was a time when I even accused my father of making me his emotional punching bag.
A major bombshell exploded when my dad was retrenched at the end of my grade 11 year. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was an extremely traumatic experience for me. It was also the start of the healing process – a lot of things happened in that time. We did, however, have our nastiest fights in the years thereafter. I finally left home at the age of 24 after a particularly ugly fight. That, really, was when the healing process truly started.
I am not telling you all this because I want your pity. Like I said in my first letter, I want you to know where I come from.
As for my brother… my brother was always a pillar of strength in my life. I will even venture as far as to say that he is a heroic figure to me. OK, we had our fights, kicked the crap out of each other several times and got the crap beaten out of us about that, but hey. That’s what brothers do. It amazes me, years later now, how we as brothers can know the worst about each other and still remain friends and hold each other in the high regard we do. If am to be speaking for myself, at least. That goes to show, blood is indeed thicker than water. I don’t know what my brother will think of this, but I am actually looking forward to one day, when we’ll both be old men and still be friends. And brothers.
It is often remarked how you can choose your friends but not your family. Family should also be friends, otherwise it is hardly worthwhile. All relationships are give and take. When a relationship comes down to all give and no receive, it is a dead stick. It is very difficult to resurrect a dead stick.
Until next time, remember that dead sticks are only good for making fire.
Mr. v.d. M
posted by Nico at 11:32 pm
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